What Does Anxiety Look Like In Friendships?

I’ve come to realise that there are so many people who struggle with anxiety and it’s not always an easy topic to talk about. From what I understand people experience anxiety due to how they interpret what is going on around them. They tend to feel anxious because of the potential circumstances they believe could happen. Although let me be very clear, I am no expert on mental health nor am I a professional psychologist. Rather, I’m an outsider looking in, I’ve had my personal experiences with friends who struggle with anxiety and from this, I have had the opportunity to learn more about mental health awareness. Today’s blog post defines what it means for a friend to feel anxious. It highlights the causes of anxiety and the impact this has on our lives from a friends perspective. Working through this post will hopefully help you gain a better understanding of the personal, social, and environmental factors that cause a friends anxiety to spike throughout the day.

Is Your Friend Feeling Anxious?

So what is anxiety? Like I said, speaking from a friends point of view the best way to describe it, is like they experience an unpleasant feeling about uncontrollable and unavoidable circumstances. More or less a deep feeling of uneasiness. You see, they live in the future, instead of being in the present moment thinking about all possibilities and of course this feeling can’t be helped. Essentially, anxiety is a form of worry, insecurity and overwhelm so, if you’re not an individual who has experienced anxiety first-hand, it will be hard to understand what someone else is going through. For example; an anxious friend may seek excessive reassurance in the hopes of reducing the anxiety associated with their self-doubt and uncertainty. To you as the friend, this may not be clear, possibly in your mind you view the person as someone who asks too many of the same questions but, it is important to understand that social anxiety can produce much fear of rejection or exclusion which introduces this need to seek validation from others to feel somewhat at ease. Although, this is just one of many examples of what anxiety may look like in a friendship.

The reality is, It can be challenging to know what to say, how to act and know how exactly to support a friend that is going through this. Though, the key thing to remember is that your friend has been surviving the debilitating effects of anxiety; they are strong and courageous for facing as much as they do every day. It may seem counter-intuitive, but let your friend know that they can be anxious with you, anxiety isn’t something they are choosing, so reassuring them in this instance is a perfect way in providing some level of support.

What Are The Causes of Anxiety

Let us dive deeper into the causes and triggers of anxiety. Sometimes as a friend looking on the outside we forget to recognise certain behaviours expressed within our friendships and relationships with people who experience anxiety. The matter of the fact is that mental health as a whole can manifest in our lives in a multitude of ways because there isn’t just one cause. Keep in mind that every friend is different because every experience/ or trauma will be different so it’s hard to determine the exact causes of one’s anxiety. However, speaking in a general sense, one’s anxiety may be triggered from thoughts linked to a sense of dependency, vulnerability, disapproval, defectiveness, failure or alienation which ultimately clouds their vision and prevents one from seeing things positively. There are so many possibilities here, that it’s easy to get lost in trying to determine the specific reasons for a friends anxiety but to keep things simple and practical, you don’t need to figure all this stuff out, you’re NOT their therapist so you’re not trying to fix them instead, the goal here is to understand them better.

The Affects of Anxiety:

Watching my friends experience anxiety has been a difficult journey for me, as I truly care for my friends like my own family and naturally I want to do everything I can to help. As I said before, I gained the opportunity to learn more about mental health and understand the meaning of my friends living with anxiety.

From my understanding of my friends who live with anxiety, I recognise that a loss of motivation and confidence are very common effects of anxiety. The more confidence they lose the more they doubt themselves, and their abilities which have caused some of my friends to become more indecisive. Something as simple as picking a new movie to watch, or choosing a different restaurant to eat at can be easy for me but extremely nerve-wracking for a friend with anxiety and this is something I have come to realise is very key for me to be aware of. This indecision will likely lead to procrastination, which will cause your friend to doubt themselves, even more, resulting in higher levels of pessimism about an uncertain future. This can essentially lead to the fear of failure and as a result of this fear, they tend to avoid doing things you would normally do which leads to periods of isolation.

Now, if a sudden period of complete isolation is something you as the friend has experienced from your friend with anxiety, please do not take this personally and try not to make assumptions! Your friend with anxiety is likely feeling stressed, lonely and somewhat alienated, from the fact they feel how they feel. Take note, that not everyone feels comfortable talking about their mental health therefore, in this instance, patience, space and time are the three key elements in which you can do to help. As you can see, anxiety is the underlying emotion that sits below the surface of many emotions. If left uncontrolled and mismanaged, it can lead a friend down a deep dark emotional path that will be very difficult for them to overcome alone. Therefore, as the potential support system the more you learn about how they feel and what your friend may be going through, the stronger the friendship shall develop.

What To Do?

Check in regularly:

If your friend seems anxious when you’re together, check-in, “Hey, are you feeling anxious right now?” In asking, you let them know that with you there’s always space for their anxiety, it doesn’t need to be avoided, and they’re not a burden. “Is there something we could do that would help?” Sometimes amid the panic, it may be hard for your friend to know what would help. If they aren’t sure, you might offer to go somewhere quiet together or take a walk.

Be aware of your impact:

If you’ve made plans to meet your friend and you’re going to be late, make sure to let them know. Or if you don’t have time to reply to an email or text, give a quick explanation so your friend isn’t left to worry. Anxiety can be an inner-bully; it can convince people they are burdensome. Make a conscious effort to reassure your anxious friend. A simple “I love spending time with you” can go a very long way.

Understand that anxiety looks different on everyone:

Anxiety can look like …

• Tiredness and cause sleeplessness
• Can be experienced as restlessness, agitation, and an inability to concentrate
• Causes irritability for some, and irrational fears for others
• Chest pains and uncomfortable muscle tension.

Let your friend know you care and want to know about their experience

Listen deeply and compassionately:

Ask your friend how they are and listen with your full body, especially without thinking of how you’ll respond, calculating response can come across as patronising. Practice being totally present. Acknowledge their feelings. Avoid pat phrases like “you’ll get through this” or “you’re okay.” Lastly, thank them for sharing them with you.

I hope this has been insightful. Remember to hold your boundaries, it is important to take care of yourself too! Your friend is likely to feel guilty if they think their anxiety is keeping you from doing what you want. So, don’t let it. Do the thing you want to do and let your friend know they can trust you to take care of your social and emotional needs. When they are asking for more than you have to give, let them know. “I love you. I can’t talk now, but let’s catch up tomorrow.” Its definitely healthy to have boundaries.

Yours Truly,

Sasi