“My Partner Doesn’t Allow Me To …” – Stop Confusing Control For Love!

Today I want to provide some serious insight into peoples experience of an intimate partner controlling whom they can, and cannot, interact with. So often do we hear someone we care for say “my partner doesn’t allow me to …”, this exact subjugation reaches deep into all aspects of their life from how to dress, how to act to where they’re allowed to go when to go, who they can go with is an endless abuse and denial of human rights! And as much as, we like to place high blame on men within the relationship it’s time we as women also take a good look in the mirror and reflect upon our own actions, take responsibility and recognise that control can be expressed in various forms. Not all women are innocent of this act. Though there is much history that stems from coercive control (an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim) which cannot be ignored.

Coercive control is not just an issue for individuals, this is, in fact, a major social problem that roots in patriarchal male dominance and continues to be supported by; social norms, laws, and institutions. Throughout history our society has given more power and status to men than women, granted men permission to dominate women, permission to control female partners, and entitlement for men to get what they want from a woman. Luckily times are changing, we are living in an era where not all men agree with these attitudes, now our society strives to build stronger communities where women can seek help and receive the right support however, not all men agree with this way of thinking. There remains a large majority of people who do perpetuate coercive control against their partners, continue to believe they are entitled to treat them as their possession and have the right to use and abuse and control them for their own selfish ends and gratification. The first task of learning what a healthy form of love is, outlining your boundaries from the very beginning, the moment you tolerate certain behaviours the whole future of that relationship is affected. The truth is, behind closed doors, men and women struggle with what is right and wrong – how they are supposed to act as a couple; trying to reconcile the contradictions of their upbringing and the effects of societal pressures. The art of relationships is that people are confronted with the realities of life-changing commitment and the realisation of the need to adjust for their new roles in the relationship but, problems arise from those who are unwilling to make those necessary adjustments so this introduces a shift in the dynamic.

• Men who entrap their intimate partner are generally jealous, obsessive, possessive and insecure. They do not like feeling vulnerable, so they intentionally use power and control tactics to hold themselves up. This type of love has its roots in fear and anxiety, low self-esteem, and an attitude that the perpetrator is entitled to their partner’s attention 24/7. In their pursuit to be alpha, some insecure possessive men isolate their partner by locking out friends and family and thereby narrow the lives of their female partners. As a result, he ultimately becomes the woman’s only lifeline. A lifeline that he ends up sucking the life from.
• Men who coercively control their partners are driven to gain some form of status and some sense of being accepted by other men. Unfortunately, coercive controlling behaviours and psychological abuse often spawn dysfunctional relationships and the rise of the domestic violence epidemic.

As humans, we have deep emotional needs for connection. We all have different ideas of love but not all our ideas of love are equal. Some are rooted in romantic love and other forms grow from dependency, possessiveness, and fear. Some people crave to be loved, but there’s quite a difference between craving to be loved, being loved, and actually being loving.

From my own experiences, I have witnessed some of my very dear friends experience this exact controlled treatment from their partners where eventually they become consumed in that relationship to the point that they lose their self-importance, confidence and respect. In the past, I have most definitely been placed in some extremely difficult situations such as; hiding the friendship from their partner, going out secretly, leaving an outing early to make their relationship curfew, as a result of their controlled relationships. There is no denying that I didn’t see the warning signs of my friend’s situations but, during that period I made the conscious decision not to get involved and keep my nose out of their businesses, however, now I have come to understand the importance of speaking up and being vocal of what is right and wrong because a person going through this experience may not be aware of the toxic behaviours. You may hear, “Well, we still have good moments, even if there are some bad moments. Every relationship can’t be perfect.” I have heard this time and time again from people who don’t want to leave the comfort of their lover. Every relationship may not be perfect but take note that, game playing and possessive, jealous love are the most common forms of love that lead to coercive control and psychological abuse and If the jealous partner doesn’t get the reassurance and attention they crave, they can become at minimum, ever-increasingly annoying, selfish and emotionally manipulative. I’ve heard many stories where if the partner threatens to leave, or successfully exits the relationship, the possessive individual can become suicidal or homicidal but in most cases, they use this as a manipulative strategy to emotionally trap the victims.

So in this instance, recognise the difference between control and love, as a human being you most definitely do not deserve to feel limited to live your life on your partners’ accord. Don’t lose yourself for the sake of your relationship instead always recognise your self-worth! These relationships do not define you. You deserve to experience genuine love & respect but what you most certainly do NOT deserve is to be talked down to and hurt physically, mentally, or emotionally! You deserve to be free, to love yourself. If you’re in this situation getting away is the hardest part, you feel like you’ll be nothing without them. Some people grow so comfortable in the abuse that they feel they deserve it, or won’t feel the same without it. You grow so close to your abuser, that it just doesn’t feel okay to leave.

Steps to take:

• Confide in a friend/ someone you trust to seek support
• Reach out to support groups: Refuge, Women’s Aid, Mind
• Spend time more time with family/ friends
• Take time to reflect, plan and exit
• Realise that the only person who can get you out is yourself.

Yours Truly Sasi