You Can Love Someone & Still Choose to Say Goodbye To Them

Heartbreak is nothing foreign to me. I’ve most definitely experienced my fair share of disappointment from the people I love, whether it’s from an ex-partner or absent parent the one thing I’ve come to understand is that as painful as it is, all of this is considered a normal part of growing up. Now, we accept relationship breakups as part of life but if you’re anything like me, these aren’t the only heartbreaks you’ve experienced. An ending of a friendship can be equally if not more painful. For too long I held onto friendships that were toxic, one-sided or just weren’t working out for the better because I am loyal to my friendships despite seeing red flags. Personally, I truly appreciate the time it takes to create a mutual relationship of trust, passion, and support with someone because this type of bond can be a beautiful and delightful process however, during the bliss of getting to know another individual you most likely will not consider what type of future that friendship will have or the possibility that the friendship will end.

There is no doubt that our friends serve an important role throughout our lives. Beginning from childhood the friends made during this stage function as playmates, during adolescence, the friendships tend to deepen as we present our personalities better, connecting with stronger more influential characters whom we feel confident confiding in. When we mature into adults, our friendships become even more sacred. But, sadly an end of a friendship is inevitable, the reality is that eventually some of your friends will no longer be in your life because not every friendship is lifelong. Although It is extremely natural for people to grow apart for multiple reasons, while some friendships come and go, some leaving on mutual terms, others are harder to move forward from.

• What happens when you need to let go of a friend?
• Do you feel doubtful about your friendship?
• When is it ok to say “this isn’t really working for me anymore”?
• Have you felt hurt, betrayed and disappointed by a friend before?
• Do you feel a sense a lack of trust?
• Have you thought about friend breakups more in adulthood?

Decluttering Friendships:

If you don’t know where you stand with a friend, it’s time to leave. Walls are built up and it is not your full responsibility to break them down. Every relationship is a two-way street! I’ve felt underappreciated and devalued in friendships before as if I was contributing more to the friendship that was benefiting them rather than us. Now I can say with the greatest confidence that those are not, and have never been, your friends. No friendship should ever be transactional, conditional, or one-sided. I used to think losing touch with friends over the years meant I was the problem, I recognise that I usually accept so many wrongdoings from people because I prefer to give others the benefit of the doubt. I see all situations from every perspective and whilst I feel that is my best quality, it has also been my biggest downfall. I acknowledge these excuses I give come from the excuses I gave my father for choosing to be absent from my life growing up. In my adult life, I understand that I was definitely being too hard on myself for learning to love and cherish the people in my life when I had them. Very recently, I’ve had to decide to let a dear friend of mine go, and all for the right reasons. Yes, life does get in the way of relationships, naturally however, the moment other factors become damaging to your own mental space that’s a problem and so as a result we grew up and grew apart. Like reminiscing on my childhood, I think of those relationships as wonderful, scary, painful, beautiful, profound, prophetic moments. I hope they meant as much to them as they did to me. I won’t ever forget them, in fact, I hold them, dear. In my heart I thank them. Thank you for coming into my life when I didn’t know what I needed. Thank you for the good times, the great memories and the hard lessons. Thank you for showing me what good and toxic friendships look like. Thank you for showing me what I deserve and what I should never settle for.

“You can miss a person every day, and still be glad that they are no longer in your life”

Tara Westover

The 3 Truths Processing An Ending Of A Friendship:

The truth is that it’s impossible to go through life without feeling some disappointment, it is a part of life. Relationships can be full of disappointments and pain maybe from not living up to your personal expectations but, they are still worth it! Research suggests that “people generally replace half of their close friends every seven years”. Who we feel close to today, looks very different from those we felt close to seven years ago and will most likely be different in the seven years ahead.

Truth 1. Relationships F***** Hurt! But they are also amazing: It’s important to hold the duality of both. Recognise that deep pain is a source of deep love so be grateful for the good which came from that friendship despite the ending. More so, stay in a place of gratitude, rather than hate. Yes, your emotions are very valid! But take note that how loved and supported you feel says more about your future happiness and health than any other factor. DONT give up on that truth.

Truth 2. Acknowledge your wrongdoings in the situation: Mistakes do happen yet this does not mean you’re a bad person. My invitation during this truth is to not defend yourself, too often do we as human beings become extremely protective over our name and reputation. As we mind how we are viewed by others but, it’s always key to take responsibility and own the mistakes made. Evaluate the lessons you can take from the experience. Ask yourself:

• where are all the places you grow?
• How does this inform your other relationships?
• Are you at risk of making the same mistakes?

Even when your intentions may have been pure do consider how you could have done better. You are not a bad person, you are human. Avoid taking all the blame and sulking in failure, sometimes people get caught up in this idea that they are not good at keeping friends or feeling insecure, this is not healthy. You can be a really pure-hearted individual but still mess up, you can be a loving person and fail people and so taking ownership and forgiving yourself for doing wrong is a great way of learning and moving forward to keep practising friendship

Truth 3. Identify that both parties are hurt by each other; There is no way of surviving a break-up without both people feeling hurt by one another in some respects. Maybe there was a betrayal of the expectations of what was thought to have been shared or a betrayal of hope of what could have been and so the feelings of pain, betrayal, denial, anger are all normal emotions. Recognising their faults in the situation is equally as important as recognising your own. It does take two to make any relationship work. During the process of your loss and grief from that friendship, don’t devalue the person to feel content about that loss. Very often do people convince themselves that the person was a bad addition therefore this means you’re better off without that person. No, there is a reason you were drawn to that individual from the beginning so why ignore the good and highlight the bad? Be grateful for all that individual was, had been and will be to others. The goal is to find the beliefs that will motivate healing and recovery.

What are the next steps?

Validate your feelings

Validation would be an excellent way to begin your process. validate your loss, feel the loss, experience the loss, its always important to either take a mental note or visual note of all the losses coming from that ending of friendship either the memories, experiences or all the plans/ activities. In short, validate all the symbolic losses, consider how these are tangible and will affect your life moving forward. Before you can move on after a friendship ends, you need the time to accept the situation for what it is. Managing your emotions is the first step toward healing. Permit yourself to grieve the loss of a friendship, it may sound stupid or feel as though this is not necessary but grieving is often an effective way to move past a difficult breakup. It is not an instantaneous process and so be gentle with yourself.

CUT ALL COMMUNICATION

Would you honestly keep someone in your life who has no interest in staying there? No! This will only prolong the hurt. After the friendship is over, make sure to end the communication by all means. Block, delete, erase! While there is no need to be rude, spiteful or disrespectful if you ever cross paths, you do not need to go out of your way to say hello or indulge in meaningless chit-chat. Whichever events lead to the decision to part ways, keeping a form of communication available will most likely trigger a feeling of sadness. So, delete the person from your phone and social media accounts, essentially eliminating them from your life and don’t feel guilty to do so. Some people may argue that this is an unnecessary and immature approach to move forward however for those who struggle to let go maybe this strategy is more suited for you.

TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF

While building new friendships is proven to be healthy for your well-being, don’t be in a hurry to make new friends and fill that hole. Instead, dedicate time for “you“, time to find your way, to build trust again and rethink your expectations of a friend. More importantly, take time to forgive and let go! Friendships sometimes do take a lot out of a person, so focus on your personal needs before caring for others. Truly take the time to work towards your goals and aspirations to later enter a different friendship feeling content and confidence.

I understand that every friendship and situation is different however know that you do have the ability to receive closure, accept and move forward happily.

Yours Truly,

Sasi