A Journey Of Self Discovery As A British-Indian Woman

“In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity”

Erik Erikson

Who am I?

If you’ve ever struggled with who you are, where you belong, or what you should be doing with your life, you’re not alone. I for one have asked these same questions and with so many options, expectations from family, society, and ourselves, it can be something of a challenge to find our identities and mark our place in the world. In a current climate where our exposure is widening, and self-acceptance is advocated, I often refer back to my early experiences. During this process, I am once again reminded of the fond memories I had when migrating to the UK from India – the language, the culture shock and sheer transparency of ‘western’ norms allowed me to develop an entirely fresh outlook. Naturally, being the eldest of three siblings this was also not a walk in the park! Nevertheless, I am incredibly grateful for these experiences, which have shaped a gargantuan facet of my identity and allowed me to embark on a journey of self-empowerment.

Questioning my sense of self:

As a south-Asian woman in a first-generation family, there are naturally many societal and cultural pressures. Although I can acknowledge the unhealthy weight that this generated, I now see this as an attempt by my parents to ensure that their children remained grounded with their Indian heritage. However, growing up in the UK, I and my siblings were naturally embedded with a western, liberal perspective that my parents, at the time, did not share. So here was the conflict. This was the start of my identity crisis that inadvertently affected almost every aspect of my life, whether my academic career or social circles. While I can acknowledge that flexibility and consciousness are valuable attributes, I often found myself altering my true nature to ‘fit in’ with varying social groups. In my first year of university, I was surrounded by more South-Asians whom I assumed were judging me for a westernised exterior. It was at this moment that I realised ‘less is more. You see, I worked too hard to constantly fit in with my Asian peers whilst also attempting to feel comfortable being myself amongst my friends. Though with this revised attitude, I recognised the sheer damage my people-pleasing attitude was causing to my mental health and growth. Ultimately I realised it’s okay to just be me even if that meant being the North Indian Sikh girl with a so-called ‘posh’ British accent. Nevertheless, I am confident in who I am and I know where I belong.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Dr. Seuss

This experience led me to acknowledge the overpowering influence of the toxic cultural standards that were normalised in my culture – whether it be subtle patriarchy or prejudiced labels. I realised that I could never be ‘Indian-enough’ and that such a term does not exist in reality. It is merely a collectively presumed consensus held by those seeking to impose their narrow standards on others. It was ‘enough for me to be’ and strive for my individual development as a South-Asian woman. I can only describe this as life-changing. From this second, I acquired a strong sense of identity. I glanced around me and drew inspiration from influential friends and family who thrived on strength and positivity. These individuals have no desire or need for competition or jealousy. Therefore, I seek to thrive and see my loved ones also achieve their full potential.

We all, at some stage, experience an identity crisis but understand this:

1. We are not perfect, and that is acceptable: focus on your journey and don’t compare your perception of success to someone else’s.
2. Set clear boundaries: allow yourself to maintain your privacy and dignity. Your most faithful allies will respect your ability to do so with no grudges.
3. Embark on your personal journey of self-development: you can stay rooted in your heritage without the added pressure of appearing a certain way.
4. Respect that it is not your duty or concern to persuade others to align with your expectations: expect greatness only from yourself.
5. Acknowledge your privilege: do not be blind and ungrateful for your surroundings. Appreciate these boons, and do better.

These core principles have transformed my life for the better. I am still learning and will progress to make mistakes as I navigate through such unprecedented times. Although, self-acceptance remains the central precept of this process.

Yours Truly,

Kiranpreet Kaur